Saturday, 25 December 2010
I am glad Jesus came to save a soul like me.
I am sorry for the lack of updates, but I am going to Istanbul - Turkey in a few days :-) of course with my husband and my son. Till later - pictures to follow.
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Monday, 13 December 2010
Yes, you didn't hear it wrong. 7 years of my marrige, never be any single tree nor gifts in our household. Btw, nothing wrong with all of that decorating do's... but I hope you can read my story with open mind, this entry is never meant to be an insult to anyone about their Christmas habits.
Ok, back to topic.
It might have sound a bit extreme to some extent.
But let me tell you my Christmas story.
When I grew up, my grand mother used to put on one mighty big white christmas trees in the living room. It was so tall it reaches to the ceiling (Which is pretty high for a 4 year old really). She'll spend the whole day to pitch it and decorate it with 2 big box of item and added cotton wool on it's branches (as the snow). Looking at the tree's fancy decoration is my past time favorite.
Not only that, she'll decorate her house with all sort of misletoe, hanging thing, glittey stuff, christmasy figurine, gift socks, wrap numerous presents, even to the extend telling us to put on grass on shoes for santa's reindeer!
Christmas is such a big do.
Years pass by, soon I was 15.
My grandmother pass away in November.
After that christmas was... a little different. There is no more tree, no more lights, no presents, there is nothing really to celebrate. The house was suddenly feel.... well... empty.
But that christmas...
I discover someone. I met someone that my Christian friend has told me hundrends of times.
Someone that has been hidden and buried under all the christmas decoration, presents, lights, and all those nonsense.
That someone was Jesus!
After 15 long years of being lost, I finally found the greatest gift in my life. I knew Jesus - preacher talk about Him every week, but it's all in my head and never be in my heart.
I decide to give Christ the steering wheel on my life. Give Him the control over my money, my time, my future and my choice. I repent from my worldly life and give Him my all. I had never knew it was that sweet to be forgiven. He gave me a purpose in my life. I couldn't ever been happier.
And I do wonder what kept me that long to find Jesus?
Then, I realise how much "other things" has HINDER me to find Him.
To see Him.
And to search for Him.
Every Christmas... all I care is about my gift, what do I get for Christmas, what do I buy so-and-so for christmas, oh... there is christmas celebration to prepare, what's on the menu for christmas, what new clothes should I wear and those kind of stuff.
So no wonder it is DIFFICULT to see what is there behind all this? is it me? is it commercialism? is it santa?
No doubt the world is trying their best to delude people not to know what is christmas all about, preventing people to get convicted on their knees and weep for their sins. Many people even called it X-mas, removing Christ from the equation.
Thankfully, I only wasted 15 years and not more!
I often wonder, when Christ born in this world, He knows he'll be suffering on the cross of Calvary for someone else's sin. He knew he'll die for us - his enemy. He must be really hurt to see some people only knew His name as swear word! But yet, He did it anyway!
There is nothing happy about Christmas, in fact I wept with sorrow as I imagining how much heartache Lord Jesus has to bear for me! - can you imagine if you are born with a mission to die a horrible death to save your enemy?
A lot of people, thinks all this Christmas mumbo jumbo is the things necessary year to year. But I am speaking from my own experience.
So after I get married. Both me and my husband decided there should be no hinderance for our children to find Christ in our house. I will only start to pitch christmas tree or whatever else AFTER the whole house accepted Christ as their Saviour. He is what Christmas is all about - at the moment.... everything else can wait.
Saturday, 11 December 2010
And then I have this crazy idea to bundle it into calendar. A perfect gift for your loved one this new year!
With all profit going to missionary/pastor in England/Wales. Help us to send a love this Christmas!
You can purchase the item here :
And then I have this crazy idea to bundle it into calendar. A perfect gift for your loved one this new year!
With all profit going to missionary/pastor in England/Wales. Help us to send a love this Christmas!
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
I hope this is my first and last negative entry in this blog.
Although jotting down moment of disappointment is against my life rule but I think I need to just... let it spill and make me feel better! Because actually is nothing serious!
I am a bit down today, too many things, too many stuff, too many happenings.
It makes me angry - but yet things is not for me to control - but helpless to do nothing and just weep quietly in my heart.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
I've been busy shopping around for birthday cakes and cupcakes ideas for my son. (Hence try to justify myself for not updating the blog for ages!!!).
Here is some of them :
And yes, if you have a link of a nice cupcakes ideas, send it to me by leaving the link on comment area. Thanks :-)
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Sunday, 21 November 2010
No doubt there is a lot of changes need to be made around our life since he left. Normally I would share housework with him, talk to him before bed, chat with him while do some cooking together, pray together with him, share some thoughts on God's word, spend weekends walking in the park together and push my son on his bicycle or swings and sang some special in church on sunday.
And I have to admit, when I come to think about it all... it is not easy to deliberaltely choose to let go some precious moment like that. It's hard for me, who is an adult. I imagine how hard could that be for my son - who barely understand what's going on.
He usually has his dad pushes his swings, chase him in the park, fly kite together, wrestle on his bed, read him books before he sleeps, soak in the bath tub and have father and son chat. None of that would have happen now.
I often wonder what he thinks, what he feels inside his little mind. Does he miss his dad? Is he confused?
I must say Josiah has adapt fabulously to change of lifestyle. Eversince his dad's gone, Josiah suddenly realise that he often left alone while I tried to sort of dinner or laundry. He suddenly realise both of us has to run errands together, to the post office, grocery store, school, church - whether it is rain or shine, hot or freezing cold, whether he likes it or not. He realise that no one will be able to carry him anymore since my hand normally pretty occupied with his schoolbags, my own bag, or even grocery bags. He realise that he had to go bed without me reading him books at times because I was just so tired. He realise he can't be very picky about what to eat or when to eat because I only have time to cook him 1 type of food a day. He realise that he need to go to bed on his own because I will still have long to do list when it was his time for bed. He realise he had to sit quietly alone in church since I played the piano during the service. He realise we won't go to the park as often now, because saturday is my day to catch up with a lot of homework that I can't do on weekday. In fact for the past 2 months we had not eat out, had not play swings not bicycle.
How can I not feel sorry for my son?
But, isn't it life is hard, there's when we learn from it.
I praise my son for not complaining about what happens around him, instead he changed himself for the better.
He determined to learn to read, so he can read books before he goes to bed. He helped me putting in laundry, picking up his toys, so that I can finish up my chores faster and we had time for cuddles. He said to himself that all food taste good and therefore he should give it a try. He decide to learn to open fridge so he won't bother me too much if he need some comfort snack since dinner is late. He took 100 page story book so that he can sit quietly in church. He decided he'll help me to carry grocery bag or his school bag. He decide that he needs to put on his own trousers, socks and shoes (although it took him about 20 minutes!). He decide to take pleasure helping me cooking instead playing in the park or riding his bike.
He decided to be happy and just enjoy his life and be content.
I just can thank my Lord for giving me such a soul.
I am just so proud to watching growing up.
Monday, 15 November 2010
It's been quiet and busy week at the same time. I am loaded with juggling among household chores, school run, tuition run, and work! Yes I almost forgot I still have work to do.
Thank you for all the prayer, my husband continues to enjoys his work tremendously, and my son really doing well in school. I can't never be happier to watch people I love smile :-)
On other side of the note, my parents in law calling me pretty often now. I am "pleasantly" surprised with their effort and concern. Strange enough that my husband absence really knit me well into his family, now that I can comfortably talk to them for quite a long time about... anything.
Few weeks ago, I make a new acquintances, a few other mums from Josiah's school. Having send my boy to fee-paying school, I am truly aware who I might met. So, not long after that a lunch invitation arrive. I am a bit apprehensive at first because few of my colleagues who sent her kids to private school did told me about "a lot of show off" going on during this kind of events.
No doubt none of my new friends have a house with a number!! When I arrive at her house, it was a £1.1 millon pound worth of 6 bedroom cottage with massive garden. Mind you, she does not even work at the moment.
But thankfully, this bunch of people with no house number that I've met, none of them sounded arrogant or look down at me (because I still need to work, and they don't). In fact, they proudly said they still enjoy macDonald as a type of luxury since they hardly eat out.... and they even sort of joking about their husband job (one of them was a director of food chain company, his wife said he smell like fish all the time. Just like fish and chip seller really, only with more salary).
The bottom line is, I am glad I came to the lunch!
The other day me and Josiah have a chat.
I asked him : "Josiah, where does the milk come from?"
Josiah : "Cow."
Me : "Now.... where does the eggs come from?"
Josiah : "Chicken!"
Me : "This is the difficult one, where does the chicken come from?"
finally after a long pause he said : "Sainsbury!"
fyi : Sainsbury is a grocery store equivalent to wallmart in US or NTUC in singapore.
Saturday, 13 November 2010
Monday, 8 November 2010
However, his office is very different to mine. Working long hours, hang out with other high performer colleague, no work/life balance and high pay in relatively young crowds is a good recipe to... unfaithfullness - in some married man/woman.
I have to say I am very fortunate that it's not me who kept my husband faithful, but someone much more powerful than me - the Lord Jesus.
So, I found this prayer in website, and may this be a blessing to all of you.
In a special way,
May we feel Your presence
Each and every day.
Grant us both good humor
To surpass our coming years;
May there always be much laughter,
May there always be less tears.
Give us strength and courage
To follow in Your will,
To trust You in the valley
As we do upon the hill.
Give us both the eyes of love
So we'll always see
The goodness in each other,
Secure us, Lord, in Thee.
Give us words of kindness, Lord,
Help us both to live
So our lips are ever quick
In saying, "I forgive."
Give us hearts that beat as one,
Bind us ever near;
May our love grow deeper, Lord,
With each passing year.
Lord, be in this marriage,
Keep our love brand new;
May we love each other, Lord,
The same way that *You* do.
"What therefore God hath joined together,
let not man put asunder."
(Matthew 19:6b, KJV)
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Saturday, 30 October 2010
It often goes like "Aw, it must be hard for you", "Surely you miss him so much!" to "Oh, you must be terribly lonely."
While there is certain degree of truth in it, I have to say that his absence does not make my life equation become negative at all.
I am still happy.
I am still content.
There is no doubt I miss him, and there is something that is hard to do since he has been away. And I can't deny there are times when I do feel lonely - nevermind my office is always crowded, tons of friends at church, and don't forget weekend visitors.
But I do feel a difference.
Years ago, when we just got engage and later married. I never would be able to comprehend how can I live without him even just for a day. I often question this to myself : who will accompany me for dinner? will I be all alone at home? who am I going to talk to about my day at work? what if I am sick? will I feel lonely?
I am dreading him sent overseas even just for one short week, leave it alone the whole year.
But 7 years of marriage has mold me (and him) to a different person. Not just better person - but better half.
When I read this blog, I finally understood, the ingredient that often disregarded from relationship equation. This man and his family have been through a lot when their son diagnosed with terminal cancer. I find his word really speak to what is missing in a lot of marriage today.
We have been married 9 years today and this morning I
had to laugh when reading the anniversary cards that we had given to one
another. The flowery language of newlywed cards has changed and words like
sacrifice, struggle, and hardship have weaved their way into the cards we buy
It is of no great surprise that having a family creates a
whole new set of responsibilities and opportunities for things to go wrong.
However, it is interesting to see how in creating a family your children, these
struggles, and the obstacles you have to overcome in life now define your
The flowery language of love found in a newlyweds card is like
a resume of a newly graduated college student - you have to fill the page with
something - so you dig deep for words to fill that lack of experience. After 9
years and lots of adversity you are no longer lacking in experience and you can
look to one another and with a simple nod or smile be able to communicate what a
million words could never say.
Understanding and trust built through hardship and obstacles.
Something that only time can tell.
That's what makes my husband absence, thousands miles away, gapped with time difference - yet still make his presence near to my heart.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
his head was bowed down low,
His hands lay idly in his lap,
his breathing calm and slow.
I thought that he was sleeping
till he opened up his eyes,
He made me want to kiss him
when he said, to my surprise...
"Have I told you that I love you?
I was telling God right now,
Oh, I know He knows already
but I told Him anyhow...
"We both think you're something special
and I know that He'd agree
Nothing bad should ever touch you,
not if it were up to me!"
Prickly goose bumps start to tingle,
icy chills run up my spine,
And sometimes I have to pinch myself:
this prayin' man is mine!
And just before we start our meals
he always says a prayer,
For God to bless the food we eat
and keep us in His care.
I love it when he reaches out
and puts his hand in mine,
And speaking low, he thanks the Lord
when we go out to dine.
He asks the Lord's protection
when we're traveling in the car,
For angels to ride with us
if we're going very far.
I picture one above us,
on the sides, the front, behind,
Our housetop angel waves goodbye,
(but only in my mind).
Girls, you can keep the latest hunk,
I'm not a beef-cake fan,
Stud muffins leave me unimpressed,
give me a prayin' man!
He owns my heart forever
'cause there's nothing stronger than
Words of power, words of blessing
coming from a prayin' man.
of a righteous man
(James 5:16 KJV)
Dedicated to my much loved man on earth...
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Thursday, 21 October 2010
My husband is coming home in December for 1-2 weeks, so we are definetely need to be out somewhere!
However, I must admit, being Indonesian I am literally sick of filling in visa application. Visa application, not only tedious and require a lot of prebooked accomodation and transportation, but also it takes time to process - which impossible for my husband as he is moving countries almost every 2-3 week.
Although I have a valid US visa until 2012, but I don't think I'll spend too much money on air tickets to be on the same cold end side of the world.
So we'll stick to countries where we can apply visa on arrival OR does not require visa at all.
At first our list somewhat come up with : Morocco, Turkey and Maldives...
Now, I am calling all of my reader who have been there in DECEMBER! because I read that Morocco and Turkey can be quite cold in winter and a lot of public transport not operating at all. While for Maldives, the issue is the price tag coming with it.
So which one should I go?
Monday, 18 October 2010
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
I know it was just a matter of time.
First my son, then obviously me come next on the queue. Not very difficult to guess. But something is different. For the first time I experience how hard it is to live alone when you are not well, and let alone entertaining a toddler.
But I am so blessed.
The Lord always send someone on my way. So a friend of mine - Mia, come over to cook for me all weekend and taking care of my boy. Her plan of staying 1 night becomes 2 night since I was ill and even have to skip church. She does not even have a car, yet she take all the trouble coming down with public transport to my house.
Not only that, it was actually my husband's birthday that weekend - unfortunately he is physically far from us, but that does not stop us from celebrating.
Thoughtful Mia even provide the birthday cake!
So never mind the birthday boy is NOT around, we help him to celebrate ANYWAY.
This guy, a new friend of mine - quite a character as you can see.
He is the representative of the birthday boy who is absent on the day. He might look "bule" (westerner) but deep inside he is more Indonesian than any of us! That's what 5 years in Indonesia made you, a change inside out :-)
And then we pose with the cake! Josiah looks a bit clueless on what's happening.
But, he insist this is his birthday cake (which is not, that is my birthday cake from Julie!) He nearly drop that cake because he tilt it so much so that I could take its picture.
It's been 2 weeks now.
I miss my husband and Josiah miss his dad. But we are NOT giving up the battle, with the Lord we are doing great! He has sustained us this far never feel sad or crumble mentally. He always send us someone our way to cheer us up. In fact we are doing pretty good. He kept me busy, kept my son busy, and we thank God for it. And yesterday is our first time video converencing with my husband, boy my son was sooo thrilled.
I guess it's feel great to know that you are loved....
especially loved by the Lord Jesus.
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord,
how oft shall my brother sin against me,
and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him,
I say not unto thee, Until seven times:
but, Until seventy times seven...
Matthew 18 : 21 -22
BY AUGUSTINE PANG
Interview with "Karen"
A great today's example of forgiveness
based on true story in Singapore
She took those words to heart. Even under the most cruel of circumstances, in a time of betrayal.
You would never have imagined how a happy marriage could end so tragically. When she spoke about it, the otherwise strong woman broke down and wept. Again and again.
Put yourself in her shoes.
You have three wonderful children. Your husband takes good care of the family. He loves you and the children, and works hard so all of you can live in reasonable comfort. In other words, a perfect marriage. What more could a woman ask for? Sure, Karen (not her real name), 50, had the usual worries, like her children's education and their careers. But her husband was the pillar on which she leaned. After all, they had been married for 28 years.
Then the pillar came crashing down.
"It was sometime in 1996. A relative was in hospital and needed extra blood. I offered to help. But a month later, the hospital called.
"The staff told me to go down. I was puzzled. I thought my blood group matched my relative's."
The staff and a doctor sat Karen down. They tried to be nice. But they had to ask that inevitable question.
"You're married, but did you have a boyfriend?" the staff asked Karen.
"No, why? I only have my husband," said Karen.
"Are you sure?" the staff asked again.
"Yes, of course," said Karen, sounding a little agitated. "What's wrong?"
The staff paused, and with a deep sigh, said: "I'm sorry, we've examined your blood and you've got HIV".
Karen could not believe her ears.
"How can it be? I only sleep with my husband and I didn't have any blood transfusion," she said, almost in tears.
The staff said: "Maybe we should test your husband's blood."
Her husband, a marketing manager, agreed to be tested.
A few weeks later, the results arrived. It was confirmed: Her husband had full-blown Aids.
Karen said: "I saw my world collapse around me ... I was very, very angry. He didn't say anything."
One day, out of the blue, she discovered the horrible truth: The man she loved, adored and cherished had, in moments of indiscretion, slept with other women when he travelled overseas.
And he had come back with Aids.
Worse, he had passed that dreaded disease to her.
She is now stricken with HIV, the human immunodeficiency virus, which leads to Aids. Overnight, Karen became a statistic in the Ministry of Health records. Of the 930 people living either with the full-blown Aids or the Aids virus, 73 are wives.
Innocent women who were betrayed twice over by their husbands, who slept with other women and then callously put their wives at risk. Most of these women got the disease from their husbands, a spokesman from Action for Aids (AfA) told The New Paper on Sunday.
Karen is one of them.
What did she do? Did she leave him? After all, she had every right to do so.
Karen did exactly the opposite. Instead of allowing her anger to fester, she rose above herself, above her husband's infidelity, above an uncertain future, and cared for him - until he died.
HOW DID IT TURN OUT THIS WAY?
"What's the point of asking. Why ask why? Can the whys make me or him live longer? The angrier I got, the more I didn't want to ask him.
"My children asked me to divorce him. But I didn't feel it was right. Marriage is for life, it's sacred.
"Yes, he did a horrible thing. But he gets punished, too. And his is not just physical torture. He passed the disease to me. He suffered mentally as well."
Karen is not any ignorant wife. She is educated, speaks very well and once worked as an administrator in an MNC. Her three children are in their early teens to early 20s. The family lives in a five-room flat. There was no hint of bitterness in her replies when she spoke to TNP on Sunday. In fact she still kept referring to him as "my husband".
Every time she recalled the good times she had with him, or what good a father he was, she wept. She recalled watching her husband wither away.
As the days drew on, her husband grew thinner and weaker. He left his well-paying job.
In the last six months of his life, he was in and out of hospital.
"I would visit him early in the morning before I started work. After work, I would be there, till 10pm. My entire weekends were spent there."
Karen's 15-year-old daughter said: "My mum would specially cook nutritious meals for my dad.
"Sometimes, he ate only a few spoonsful because he had no appetite. But she made sure he did not go hungry.
"And she talked to him, a lot, just to keep his spirits up. She was on call 24 hours a day, even though she herself had HIV."
Care-giver Ms Pang said: "She (Karen) hardly uttered a single word of complaint... To think that she is the victim."
Karen's husband came down with bronchitis. Towards the end, his lungs and heart failed him.
From a well-built 70 kg, he was reduced to 43 kg.
One early morning in December last year, he died in his hospital bed. He was 54.
"It's tough without my husband. I have to do many things which he used to do. The children still need their father. Now, I try to be both father and mother. It's not easy."
Karen controls her HIV-infection through medication. She looks perfectly normal, though she does feel weak sometimes. Now, she devotes her time to her children and keeps herself occupied with activities so that she doesn't have time to think of the past.
How long did the doctors say you can live?
"They say I can live till a ripe old age. But I don't think so. I don't feel weak, but you never know."
What's going to happen to your children if you die?
"The older ones will have to take care of the younger ones. Their security will be this flat," said Karen, pointing to the well-furnished and tidy flat.
I asked her daughter: "Don't you hate your dad for leaving the family in this state?"
She said: "I'm not angry, I just thought it was a stupid thing (to sleep with other women) to do. Since I can't retrace the steps, I just have to make the best of the situation."
Karen said: "As a mother, I don't plant bad thoughts into my children's minds.
"Why bring so much hatred to them? They might just grow up hating their father, and hating men. That's not how I want them to grow up.
As I left her flat, I asked Karen: "What keeps you going?"
"God. He's my strength."
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Time is precious.
Nothing oompare to spend time with my son and seeing him smiling from ear to ear.
So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. PSALM 90:12