Saturday, 30 October 2010
It often goes like "Aw, it must be hard for you", "Surely you miss him so much!" to "Oh, you must be terribly lonely."
While there is certain degree of truth in it, I have to say that his absence does not make my life equation become negative at all.
I am still happy.
I am still content.
There is no doubt I miss him, and there is something that is hard to do since he has been away. And I can't deny there are times when I do feel lonely - nevermind my office is always crowded, tons of friends at church, and don't forget weekend visitors.
But I do feel a difference.
Years ago, when we just got engage and later married. I never would be able to comprehend how can I live without him even just for a day. I often question this to myself : who will accompany me for dinner? will I be all alone at home? who am I going to talk to about my day at work? what if I am sick? will I feel lonely?
I am dreading him sent overseas even just for one short week, leave it alone the whole year.
But 7 years of marriage has mold me (and him) to a different person. Not just better person - but better half.
When I read this blog, I finally understood, the ingredient that often disregarded from relationship equation. This man and his family have been through a lot when their son diagnosed with terminal cancer. I find his word really speak to what is missing in a lot of marriage today.
We have been married 9 years today and this morning I
had to laugh when reading the anniversary cards that we had given to one
another. The flowery language of newlywed cards has changed and words like
sacrifice, struggle, and hardship have weaved their way into the cards we buy
It is of no great surprise that having a family creates a
whole new set of responsibilities and opportunities for things to go wrong.
However, it is interesting to see how in creating a family your children, these
struggles, and the obstacles you have to overcome in life now define your
The flowery language of love found in a newlyweds card is like
a resume of a newly graduated college student - you have to fill the page with
something - so you dig deep for words to fill that lack of experience. After 9
years and lots of adversity you are no longer lacking in experience and you can
look to one another and with a simple nod or smile be able to communicate what a
million words could never say.
Understanding and trust built through hardship and obstacles.
Something that only time can tell.
That's what makes my husband absence, thousands miles away, gapped with time difference - yet still make his presence near to my heart.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
his head was bowed down low,
His hands lay idly in his lap,
his breathing calm and slow.
I thought that he was sleeping
till he opened up his eyes,
He made me want to kiss him
when he said, to my surprise...
"Have I told you that I love you?
I was telling God right now,
Oh, I know He knows already
but I told Him anyhow...
"We both think you're something special
and I know that He'd agree
Nothing bad should ever touch you,
not if it were up to me!"
Prickly goose bumps start to tingle,
icy chills run up my spine,
And sometimes I have to pinch myself:
this prayin' man is mine!
And just before we start our meals
he always says a prayer,
For God to bless the food we eat
and keep us in His care.
I love it when he reaches out
and puts his hand in mine,
And speaking low, he thanks the Lord
when we go out to dine.
He asks the Lord's protection
when we're traveling in the car,
For angels to ride with us
if we're going very far.
I picture one above us,
on the sides, the front, behind,
Our housetop angel waves goodbye,
(but only in my mind).
Girls, you can keep the latest hunk,
I'm not a beef-cake fan,
Stud muffins leave me unimpressed,
give me a prayin' man!
He owns my heart forever
'cause there's nothing stronger than
Words of power, words of blessing
coming from a prayin' man.
of a righteous man
(James 5:16 KJV)
Dedicated to my much loved man on earth...
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Thursday, 21 October 2010
My husband is coming home in December for 1-2 weeks, so we are definetely need to be out somewhere!
However, I must admit, being Indonesian I am literally sick of filling in visa application. Visa application, not only tedious and require a lot of prebooked accomodation and transportation, but also it takes time to process - which impossible for my husband as he is moving countries almost every 2-3 week.
Although I have a valid US visa until 2012, but I don't think I'll spend too much money on air tickets to be on the same cold end side of the world.
So we'll stick to countries where we can apply visa on arrival OR does not require visa at all.
At first our list somewhat come up with : Morocco, Turkey and Maldives...
Now, I am calling all of my reader who have been there in DECEMBER! because I read that Morocco and Turkey can be quite cold in winter and a lot of public transport not operating at all. While for Maldives, the issue is the price tag coming with it.
So which one should I go?
Monday, 18 October 2010
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
I know it was just a matter of time.
First my son, then obviously me come next on the queue. Not very difficult to guess. But something is different. For the first time I experience how hard it is to live alone when you are not well, and let alone entertaining a toddler.
But I am so blessed.
The Lord always send someone on my way. So a friend of mine - Mia, come over to cook for me all weekend and taking care of my boy. Her plan of staying 1 night becomes 2 night since I was ill and even have to skip church. She does not even have a car, yet she take all the trouble coming down with public transport to my house.
Not only that, it was actually my husband's birthday that weekend - unfortunately he is physically far from us, but that does not stop us from celebrating.
Thoughtful Mia even provide the birthday cake!
So never mind the birthday boy is NOT around, we help him to celebrate ANYWAY.
This guy, a new friend of mine - quite a character as you can see.
He is the representative of the birthday boy who is absent on the day. He might look "bule" (westerner) but deep inside he is more Indonesian than any of us! That's what 5 years in Indonesia made you, a change inside out :-)
And then we pose with the cake! Josiah looks a bit clueless on what's happening.
But, he insist this is his birthday cake (which is not, that is my birthday cake from Julie!) He nearly drop that cake because he tilt it so much so that I could take its picture.
It's been 2 weeks now.
I miss my husband and Josiah miss his dad. But we are NOT giving up the battle, with the Lord we are doing great! He has sustained us this far never feel sad or crumble mentally. He always send us someone our way to cheer us up. In fact we are doing pretty good. He kept me busy, kept my son busy, and we thank God for it. And yesterday is our first time video converencing with my husband, boy my son was sooo thrilled.
I guess it's feel great to know that you are loved....
especially loved by the Lord Jesus.
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord,
how oft shall my brother sin against me,
and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him,
I say not unto thee, Until seven times:
but, Until seventy times seven...
Matthew 18 : 21 -22
BY AUGUSTINE PANG
Interview with "Karen"
A great today's example of forgiveness
based on true story in Singapore
She took those words to heart. Even under the most cruel of circumstances, in a time of betrayal.
You would never have imagined how a happy marriage could end so tragically. When she spoke about it, the otherwise strong woman broke down and wept. Again and again.
Put yourself in her shoes.
You have three wonderful children. Your husband takes good care of the family. He loves you and the children, and works hard so all of you can live in reasonable comfort. In other words, a perfect marriage. What more could a woman ask for? Sure, Karen (not her real name), 50, had the usual worries, like her children's education and their careers. But her husband was the pillar on which she leaned. After all, they had been married for 28 years.
Then the pillar came crashing down.
"It was sometime in 1996. A relative was in hospital and needed extra blood. I offered to help. But a month later, the hospital called.
"The staff told me to go down. I was puzzled. I thought my blood group matched my relative's."
The staff and a doctor sat Karen down. They tried to be nice. But they had to ask that inevitable question.
"You're married, but did you have a boyfriend?" the staff asked Karen.
"No, why? I only have my husband," said Karen.
"Are you sure?" the staff asked again.
"Yes, of course," said Karen, sounding a little agitated. "What's wrong?"
The staff paused, and with a deep sigh, said: "I'm sorry, we've examined your blood and you've got HIV".
Karen could not believe her ears.
"How can it be? I only sleep with my husband and I didn't have any blood transfusion," she said, almost in tears.
The staff said: "Maybe we should test your husband's blood."
Her husband, a marketing manager, agreed to be tested.
A few weeks later, the results arrived. It was confirmed: Her husband had full-blown Aids.
Karen said: "I saw my world collapse around me ... I was very, very angry. He didn't say anything."
One day, out of the blue, she discovered the horrible truth: The man she loved, adored and cherished had, in moments of indiscretion, slept with other women when he travelled overseas.
And he had come back with Aids.
Worse, he had passed that dreaded disease to her.
She is now stricken with HIV, the human immunodeficiency virus, which leads to Aids. Overnight, Karen became a statistic in the Ministry of Health records. Of the 930 people living either with the full-blown Aids or the Aids virus, 73 are wives.
Innocent women who were betrayed twice over by their husbands, who slept with other women and then callously put their wives at risk. Most of these women got the disease from their husbands, a spokesman from Action for Aids (AfA) told The New Paper on Sunday.
Karen is one of them.
What did she do? Did she leave him? After all, she had every right to do so.
Karen did exactly the opposite. Instead of allowing her anger to fester, she rose above herself, above her husband's infidelity, above an uncertain future, and cared for him - until he died.
HOW DID IT TURN OUT THIS WAY?
"What's the point of asking. Why ask why? Can the whys make me or him live longer? The angrier I got, the more I didn't want to ask him.
"My children asked me to divorce him. But I didn't feel it was right. Marriage is for life, it's sacred.
"Yes, he did a horrible thing. But he gets punished, too. And his is not just physical torture. He passed the disease to me. He suffered mentally as well."
Karen is not any ignorant wife. She is educated, speaks very well and once worked as an administrator in an MNC. Her three children are in their early teens to early 20s. The family lives in a five-room flat. There was no hint of bitterness in her replies when she spoke to TNP on Sunday. In fact she still kept referring to him as "my husband".
Every time she recalled the good times she had with him, or what good a father he was, she wept. She recalled watching her husband wither away.
As the days drew on, her husband grew thinner and weaker. He left his well-paying job.
In the last six months of his life, he was in and out of hospital.
"I would visit him early in the morning before I started work. After work, I would be there, till 10pm. My entire weekends were spent there."
Karen's 15-year-old daughter said: "My mum would specially cook nutritious meals for my dad.
"Sometimes, he ate only a few spoonsful because he had no appetite. But she made sure he did not go hungry.
"And she talked to him, a lot, just to keep his spirits up. She was on call 24 hours a day, even though she herself had HIV."
Care-giver Ms Pang said: "She (Karen) hardly uttered a single word of complaint... To think that she is the victim."
Karen's husband came down with bronchitis. Towards the end, his lungs and heart failed him.
From a well-built 70 kg, he was reduced to 43 kg.
One early morning in December last year, he died in his hospital bed. He was 54.
"It's tough without my husband. I have to do many things which he used to do. The children still need their father. Now, I try to be both father and mother. It's not easy."
Karen controls her HIV-infection through medication. She looks perfectly normal, though she does feel weak sometimes. Now, she devotes her time to her children and keeps herself occupied with activities so that she doesn't have time to think of the past.
How long did the doctors say you can live?
"They say I can live till a ripe old age. But I don't think so. I don't feel weak, but you never know."
What's going to happen to your children if you die?
"The older ones will have to take care of the younger ones. Their security will be this flat," said Karen, pointing to the well-furnished and tidy flat.
I asked her daughter: "Don't you hate your dad for leaving the family in this state?"
She said: "I'm not angry, I just thought it was a stupid thing (to sleep with other women) to do. Since I can't retrace the steps, I just have to make the best of the situation."
Karen said: "As a mother, I don't plant bad thoughts into my children's minds.
"Why bring so much hatred to them? They might just grow up hating their father, and hating men. That's not how I want them to grow up.
As I left her flat, I asked Karen: "What keeps you going?"
"God. He's my strength."
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Time is precious.
Nothing oompare to spend time with my son and seeing him smiling from ear to ear.
So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. PSALM 90:12